The Grieving Process
Every person is unique in the way he or she handles the loss of a loved one. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing from our loss.
Our responses to the different feelings that occur during the grieving process are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied down to “real time”, and people do not necessarily move in and out of the stages in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours. It is not unusual to move into and out of one stage and then to another, and cycle back again to the first one. You may find yourself repeating this process a number of times as you continue to work through your grief.There are five commonly observed stages that people experience during the grieving process. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
At the beginning, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock, or numbness. You may even wonder why you are not more upset over your loss. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is simply nature's way of helping you to continue to function on a basic level while under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things that are necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.
Anger provides a bridge of connection from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the doctors, your family, the loved one who died, or at God. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you truly allow yourself to feel your anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.
Before and after a loss, you may feel like you would have done anything if only your loved one would be spared. “If only” and “what if” becomes a recurrent thought. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. You may wonder if you could have done anything differently so that your loved one might still be alive. You may try to second-guess the doctors and yourself. You may revert to living in the past to avoid the pain of the present.
After bargaining, feelings of emptiness and grief present themselves on a deeper level. This depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. When a loss fully settles in your soul, and you realize that your loved one is not coming back, feelings of deep sadness (depression) are normal. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be very unusual. Depression is a necessary step toward healing.
Eventually you come to terms with your bereavement as you move into the acceptance stage of grief. At this point, the loss has become part of your story and your history. It does not consume your life in the same way it did to begin with. With acceptance comes increased peace. As you move through this stage, you will find yourself once more interested in and able to enjoy some of the things that you formerly liked to do. You may develop new interests and relationships. You have learned to live with your loss in a way that is constructive and healing.
How long am I going to feel this way?
Every person is different, and so is their grief. Each person will follow a different path toward healing. Although there is no right or wrong amount of time to complete the grieving process, many experts agree that it is not unusual to take at least a year to move through the grieving process.
Complicated Grief
The duration of the mourning process can also be influenced by your relationship to the deceased, the amount of support you receive, and other factors.Sometimes the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have previously occurred in a person’s life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent, or has never been fully processed in and of itself. This grief experience is known as “complicated grief.” People who are dealing with this type of grief may benefit by working with professionals who are trained in dealing with complex grief issues.
If, after some time has passed, you find your grief is still persistent and disruptive to the point where it impacts your daily functions, please seek professional counseling.
FAQs
2 The stages include:
- Denial.
- Anger.
- Bargaining.
- Depression.
- Acceptance.
Do the five stages happen in order? The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – are often talked about as if they happen in order, moving from one stage to the other. You might hear people say things like 'Oh I've moved on from denial and now I think I'm entering the angry stage'.
What is the grieving process a response to? ›
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that's important to you. You may feel a variety of emotions, including anger, sadness, or loneliness. You can experience grief for different reasons. Maybe a loved one died, a relationship ended, or you lost your job.
What does a person need to get through the grieving process? ›
Although the death of a loved one can feel overwhelming, many people make it through the grieving process with the support of family and friends. Take care of yourself, accept offers of help from those around you, and be sure to get counseling if you need it.
What is the hardest stage of grief? ›
For some, the intense sadness and despair of depression may be the most challenging, making it difficult to find joy or motivation in daily life. Others might find anger to be the hardest stage, as it can cause feelings of frustration and helplessness that are hard to manage.
What are the three C's of grief? ›
As you build a plan, consider the “three Cs”: choose, connect, communicate. Choose: Choose what's best for you. Even during dark bouts of grief, you still possess the dignity of choice. “Grief often brings the sense of loss of control,” says Julie.
How long should it take to grieve over a death? ›
The length of time is different for each person. For most people their mourning period is a long process and it can take years. After about two years you are likely to know the places, events and occasions that trigger your emotions. As you start to know these, you will also learn what helps you to cope with them.
How do I know what stage of grief I am in? ›
Grief Series: What Stage of Grief Am I In?
- Denial – You may have difficulty believing the loss actually happened. ...
- Anger – The realization of the death has set in and you may begin to feel anger. ...
- Bargaining – This is when you attempt to make deals in order to reverse fate or go back in time.
Biblical Truths About Grief
Psalm 119:28 My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
What is the most common response to unresolved grief? ›
Common symptoms of unresolved grief include: Denial: You are unable to emotionally accept the reality that the person has died. Self-harm: Self-harm behaviors increase as a way to stop grief symptoms. For example, you use alcohol or drugs to cope with the loss of your loved one.
Expressing your grief – which can include telling the story of your loved one's death, sharing your thoughts and feelings about your loss, and reflecting on how the person influenced or shaped your life – is a key part of developing this relationship.
What do grieving people want? ›
But the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it's not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won't be forgotten. One day they may want to cry on your shoulder, on another day they may want to vent, or sit in silence, or share memories.
What not to do when your spouse dies? ›
Top 10 Things Not to Do When Someone Dies
- 1 – DO NOT tell their bank. ...
- 2 – DO NOT wait to call Social Security. ...
- 3 – DO NOT wait to call their Pension. ...
- 4 – DO NOT tell the utility companies. ...
- 5 – DO NOT give away or promise any items to loved ones. ...
- 6 – DO NOT sell any of their personal assets. ...
- 7 – DO NOT drive their vehicles.
Losing a loved one can be an intensely stressful experience that can take a toll on one's mental and physical health. The grieving process can cause everything from bodily pain and a weakened immune system to stomach upset and fatigue, according to the National Institutes of Health .
What is the 4 stage of grief? ›
Their four stages include shock-numbness, yearning-searching, disorganization-despair, and reorganization. Bowlby applied his work focusing on attachment and relationships to this theory. When a loss occurs, he suggested that grief is a normal adaptive response based on one's environment and psychological make-up.
What are 4 ways of dealing with grief? ›
Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions. Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you. Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you. Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
What are the 4 stages of acceptance? ›
We can start by viewing acceptance as a journey, a progression of evolving perspectives and attitudes toward a situation. Considering the following four phases may be helpful: resistance, resignation, acceptance and embracing.
What is the fourth stage of grieving quizlet? ›
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection.
